Sometimes, I’m amazed by my powers of avoidance. Although I know that things will happen, I simply push them to the back of my mind…tell myself that the coming day is a long way off and is, therefore, of little consequence.

Then I have the gall to be amazed when it not only approaches, but knocks me to the pavement with the force of it’s reality.

I knew this day was coming…I’ve known it for 18 years. Kids grow up, it’s a fact of life….one that I’ve avoided worrying about by assuring myself that there was plenty of time. Surprise!! That ‘time’ has gone.

My daughter will graduate from High School in a matter of days…and then what? She doesn’t want to go to college yet…she wants to travel. On one level, I’m almost jealous that she has the opportunity. On another level, I’m proud that she’s brave enough to go halfway around the world to seek out that which she desires. On the final level there is that little voice inside of me that says ‘What if she decides not to come back?’.

I think it’s the third one that gives me the most pause. I don’t know what it’s like NOT to have her here…and I’m not too sure that I’m ready to find out. The choice is out of my hands, however, because she WILL go…and I will miss her. It’s not her first time going to Germany, she went last year…but this is different. This time, she doesn’t have to come back for another year of school.

Yes, I have a son…and he will stay here…but I’m used to having TWO kids, not one. I’m used to being the caregiver, the one who protects, the one who guides…and I’m used to doing that for TWO kids.

Okay, so there is this tiny part of me that is almost ashamed to admit that the notion of having only one child might be fun….an idea that leaves me wondering exactly what sort of mom has those feelings. Sure…go ahead…tell me that this is all part of life. It won’t change anything.

I’ve loved two kids for over 16 years….and while that love will never change, the dynamics of the relationship will change.

My daughter will never again have to ask my permission to do things…she is an adult. I will be forced to sit back and see if the values that I’ve tried to teach her have taken root in the adult that she has now become. Without a doubt, there will be times when I simply have to bite my tongue and step back to allow her to make her own mistakes on a far grander scale than she has ever done so before.

It’s her time to fly…to fall…to fly again. If she’s very lucky and makes good choices, she will have it easy…but life is seldom easy. It will be my job to sit back and watch her go.

How do parents do this???

arkmomy