Sometimes, we have questions that we simply cannot bring ourselves to ask. The questions themselves are harmless…it’s the answers that we fear.

Such is the case today.

We have an exchange student staying with us. He came to us on a temporary basis last year and decided to stay until the end of his term this summer. Because I’m a single parent, I don’t exactly fit the ‘host family’ qualifications, but the kids and I have very much enjoyed having him with us.

Today was the final get-together for host families and students before the students head back to their homes. It’s the first time that we’ve had the opportunity to meet most of the other families. The families and students are nice…but the experience left me feeling somewhat inadequate.

As part of the program, the students were asked to tell what places they had visited with their respective host families. Most of the students relayed stories of ski trips to Colorado, vacations in Florida…even a trip to the Bahamas. Our student had nothing. Trips such as those are far beyond anything that a single working mom can afford. I don’t envy those families the capability to do those things. It’s wonderful that they are able to take time off of work and travel. I wish that I could have offered the same.

But there is that one question…

Have I somehow cheated this young man?

Common sense says that I’ve done all that I could. After all, he chose to stay here even when they’d already located a ‘normal’ host family for him; however, common sense isn’t in play with this question. The fact that he seems to have enjoyed himself here has no bearing on the bottom line. Maybe he would have had more fun with a more ‘normal’ family…working dad…stay at home mom…nice house…the works.

I could comfort myself with the knowledge that i’m not single by choice, but by circumstance. I could remind myself that I’ve done the best that I could since Paul died…that we are making it okay….that our family is just different…that different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. None of this helps to eradicate the question….none of it eases my mind.

I guess there are times when the real question isn’t the obvious one….and the real answers come not from others, but from ourselves.

Perhaps the real question here isn’t ‘Have I somehow cheated this young man?’

Perhaps the real question is one that only I can answer…

Am I good enough?

arkmomy