For the most part, I could be considered a pragmatic person. The fact that I generally accept things for what they are should be enough to keep me from thoughts of ’should have done’…but it doesn’t always work.

     Do you know that I still miss you?

     Do you know that, no matter how many years may pass…it still hurts?

     Do you know that about this time every year, I wonder if there might have been something that I could have done differently to help you?

     It never really changes, you know…not in regards to you.

     Every year, when this anniversary rolls around, I can’t help but remember how very hard you fought. I remember how you held out long past the point where you would have normally given up simply because you didn’t want me to be left alone without you. I always wonder if there wasn’t something more that I could have done to save you.  I know….you always said that things were what they were and that they were beyond our capacity for understanding, much less for fixing. Sometimes the body just can’t take anymore.

     I prayed…you prayed. We trusted and believed and hoped for the best…but sometimes the best just isn’t as much as we want. We wanted to believe that we could grow old together…and it took some convincing before we finally realized that it just wasn’t in the plans. Even though I can now accept it…I still wish that it could have been different. One more treatment…just a little longer…all we needed was a transplant…but it never came.

     I couldn’t save you then…and I can’t save me now….not from this.

     I hide it fairly well and nobody seems to notice. There are those who would be happy to help me if I allowed them to do so…but I won’t let them. It is just one of those things that has to work it out. I’ll just keep reminding myself how lucky I was to have had you in my life at all….that always helps…at least a little bit. 

     Saving you from death proved impossible.

     Saving me from ’should have’  is proving problematic.

     We prayed for a miracle…but maybe our miracle was that we got to love each other.

arkmomy