On the run again.

If I try hard enough, I can outrun almost anything….almost anyone. I can disappear into the mist leaving not so much as a scent on the wind behind me.

But I can’t run from me…can’t escape the one thing that I want most to leave behind. No matter where I go, or how fast I run…my thoughts are still there. It must be true…we really are our own worst enemy at times. Of all the people who can hurt me, it’s my thoughts that know how to do it best….how to make me hurt in the most unimaginable ways.

Everybody says ‘be your own best friend’….’love yourself’. That simple task is sometimes the hardest thing to do. What do you do when the one who should be your best friend is actually your worst enemy? Who do you listen to when the one in your mirror calls you a failure? Ugly? Inadequate?

It’s a tough pill to swallow. No matter how many positive affirmations come to mind, they are drowned out by the venomous recriminations that bounce about inside my head. Looking beyond myself for validation proves futile. The positive words of others mean nothing to the one who sees herself as less than acceptable in all circumstances.

There was a time when things weren’t this way. But that time is only a distant memory at this point. Everything is gone. There are no dreams…and no more hope. There is only the running…and the waiting.

The running is simple. Run from the thoughts, the fear of inadequacy, the pain, the part of me that feels that the world would be no different if I were not in it.

But what of the waiting?

Wait for the end…because all things end. How they end is ultimately in my hands. The power to change is mine…it resides within me. I had it once, so it can’t be that hard to find again. If all things pass, so shall this.

I’ll keep reminding myself of this…but right now, I don’t think I believe in happy endings anymore.

arkmomy