It was one of those common conversations regarding exes in relationships. Safe to say, most people will probably find themselves in the midst of that topic at one time or another…be it as a speaker or simply as a listener. After all, its human nature to share experiences.

    This time was different. Perhaps because I wasn’t really engrossed in the conversation, I was able to step back and watch…listen…and even think.

    Typical of these sort of conversations, the exes were referred to in less than flattering terms…everything from psychotic to the embodiement of satan. In schoolyard fashion, each conversationalist attempted to out-do the others in the name of humor. Sometimes the best way to deal with our past is to laugh at it, and these people were doing quite well.

     That’s when it hit me.

     Do we empower those who have hurt us by constantly remembering them even in unflattering terms? Do we allow our exes to continue to influence our lives by constantly reminding ourselves of events in the past?

     If the purpose of breaking a relationship is because its simply not working and both partners are unhappy, wouldn’t it make sense that the best way to be happy is to move on?….to forget? How can we do that if we constantly talk about the ex-partner?

     Its understandable that talking about the relationship right after it ends will help us work thru the emotions in order to move on….but what if we continue to verbally bash our ex years after the relationship has ended?  Who really wins?

     Obviously, we are not the winner. After all, we still talk about it. We still give them the power to hurt us by reminding ourselves over and again just how bad things were.

     Lest I sound self-righteous, let me assure you that I am as guilty as others of this behaviour. I like to think that those that I’ve dated in the past have moved on…that they don’t think about me anymore. Perhaps its time to give them that same courtesy.

     I know that one of the main reasons that I do not date is because I lack trust in others. Past hurt has taught me that men are not to be trusted in the long haul. Even a good marriage that ended only because my spouse died hasn’t been enough to erase the damage of dating men who were simply wrong for me. Years later, I’m still allowing the bad to outweigh the good simply because I keep talking about it.

     I’ve given others the power to continue hurting me….and that has to stop. If for no other reason than personal happiness….it must stop. It won’t be easy. The goal here is not to reach a point where I trust enough to find a mate. The goal here is to be happy where I am…and that means taking back the power that I’ve given to others by constantly reminding myself of the pain.

    It means letting go.

arkmomy