Sometimes…when you don’t think….you hurt people.

    I’ve done that.

    Sometimes, saying ‘I’m sorry’ seems like the most inadequate thing in the world. It doesn’t make you feel better and it certainly won’t make others forgive you.

   So, what do you do then?

   The only thing that I can do right now is to pull away. Removing myself from those that I’ve hurt to give them time to heal is the only thing that I can think to do. It isn’t what I want, but it is what I will do.

   In a perfect world, an apology would be sufficient….but we don’t live in a perfect world.

  I was asked to do a favor for someone. Since I wasn’t sure how it would affect my friends, I asked one for some advice and was not discouraged….so I did it. After all, it seemed a small thing to do in order to help someone else. Unfortunately, I realized too late that it would, indeed, hurt someone for whom I care a great deal. In fulfilling a promise, I broke a trust. It is all my own fault….there is nobody else to blame. Now I can’t fix it.

   Common sense would say that it was only a trivia match….but I’m not quite listening to common sense right now. All I see right now is that I unwittingly put myself in a position to play against my own old team….and there is no self-forgiveness for that. I only came to watch….not to play…and in the end, I did more damage than good.

   I don’t know if my friends will forgive me. Right now, I can’t even forgive me….so I have removed myself from the liklihood of ever repeating that mistake. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry, so how could I ask my friends to be able to look at me in the same way that they used to see me?

   So, what do you do when ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t enough?

    What do you do when you look in the mirror and see the person that unwittingly hurt her friends and you can’t forgive her?

    Sometimes….you just cry.

 arkmomy

   This is something that I simply cannot figure out.

   What kind of Mom has these kind of feelings?

   When I became of age, I couldn’t wait to get a job, make my own money, set my own rules. Because I did not drive, this meant walking to work…but it was worth it to finally achieve some independence. I wanted freedom to choose everything from my lifestyle to the clothes that I wore…and I knew that I would have to work for those things.

   Now that one of my own is well of age, I expected the same from her. After all, as much as we love each other, surely she would want the same independence that I once craved….right?

   Apparently not.

    She does not drive. More to the point, she shows NO inclination to learn to drive or acquire a license to do so. She speaks vaguely of obtaining a job, but does not actually attempt to do that, either. She devotes intensive time to her reading, games, music, and friends…but NONE to achieving autonomy.

   I love her to bits…but I just don’t get it.

   I try not to harp on the subject, but I do remind her frequently that she will have to get off of her tail and get busy if she expects to return to Germany any time soon…but my words fall on deaf ears. As I watch her schlump around in the same raggedy clothes with little regard for anything outside of her world, I wonder where it is that I went wrong.

   It isn’t like she was raised in a world of privilege…far from it. She had to do chores and contribute to the house as much as her brother. She doesn’t ask for much, really. She just….exists. I’m willing to accept that she needs time to adjust to being back in the states after her tenure overseas, but it gets quite wearing after a bit. It has been nearly a month….surely she is rested by now.

   In all of the years spent raising her (and hearing her declarations of how she couldn’t wait to be grown and independent) it never dawned on me that, instead of being torn when she decided to leave the nest, I might actually need to nudge her out onto her own. I love her….I really do….but it cannot continue on this way much longer. At some point (hopefully soon) it has to change.

   She grumbled this morning when the coffee wasn’t ready right when she got up—perhaps she thinks she lives at a restraunt? She does not take initiative when it comes to cleaning, cooking, or doing laundry…yet has lots of places that she wants to visit if Mom will drive her over—am I also the proprietor of a free taxi service?

   As I look back over this, I realize how very selfish it sounds. How could any Mom talk about one of her kids this way? But, it is what it is…avoiding the issue will not change it. I have been a Mom for 19 years and loved every minute of it…..but I’ve never not been responsible for anyone except myself. I was rather looking forward to that part of life.

   Yes, it sounds selfish…but I want to cook for one person, clean up after one person, do laundry for one person….and if that person decides that she wants to go out for a while or take a long drive for a few days, I don’t want to have to worry about what to do with those left at home.

   Okay, this is just making me feel even more selfish.

   What kind of Mom AM I???

arkmomy

  The silence in the car is deafening…and quite telling.

   The funeral was today….

   One of his friends…gone.

   There are a lot of things that a teen boy should have to deal with…the death of a friend isn’t one of them.

   It was one of those ‘freak’ things that happen. Seventeen year-old athlete collapses on the basketball court. Less than an hour later, he is pronounced dead of an undiagnosed heart problem. The entire school is in mourning over the passing of this well-loved and popular young man. I cannot even begin to imagine what his family must be going through. In truth, I hope I never find out. The very thought of losing a child is enough to bring most parents to tears. In fact, it scares the hell out of me.

   The sound of Pearl Jam coming from the speakers in the car is not enough to drown out the unasked questions…Why? How? There are no answers. These are the questions that I see in the eyes of my son as he sits next to me. His mouth may be silent, but the look on his face…in his eyes…speaks volumes. His fingertips brush across the front of the button on the leg of his pants….it is the only tangible  reminder that he has left of the friend that he lost…just a picture.

    Knowing the answer before I even open my mouth, I ask anyway….Would you like to talk? He does not wish to talk….not right now….maybe never….not about this.  On some levels, I am relieved. After all, what would I say? Sometimes, saying ‘I’m sorry’ just seems so inadequate. You can say it only so often before it begins to sound old. Should he choose to talk later, there are counselors at the school and he has a mentor through his teen program. He has me, but sometimes teen boys prefer to talk to someone other than dear old mom about things like this.

   The only thing that he does say is that over 2/3 of the student body went to the funeral. Even the thought of that is enough to put a lump in my throat. It doesn’t seem fair that someone so young and well-loved should be gone so soon. We parents tell our kids that life isn’t fair…but this seems a very tough way to learn that lesson.

   There really are no easy answers for this one. No way to make it easy…no magic band-aid to cover the hurt. My son, like his friends, needs time to deal with this in his own way.

   At this point, we can only wait…and pray.

arkmomy