It’s amazing what can be hidden behind a smile.

That polite little curve of the lips that never shows the turmoil behind it as we go about our daily lives can be nothing more than a flimsy cover….something that protects the heart…hides the soul.

If you perfect the technique, nobody will ever know. If you make it a daily practice…you will be like me. People will come to expect it of you. You will become known as the one who doesn’t get offended easily…the one to whom it is easy to talk, cry, or even scream. Only a few will ever come to know the one behind your smile, for you will protect that part of you ferociously. Only a few will ever witness those times when that smile slips away long enough to disclose the human behind it…and you will be almost ashamed to have revealed that small part of your humanity….the fear, the hurt, the dreams.

Sometimes, you will question the wisdom of maintaining this part of your being…this part of you that pretends. You will wonder if, perhaps, people might like you in spite of yourself. You realize that your smile has turned you into a wallflower…somebody seen, but not seen, who simply exists…never causing ripples in the daily fabric of life. You begin to feel invisible.

If you hide behind a smile too much, you risk forgetting how NOT to do it. The habit becomes so ingrained in your personality that you find yourself alone much of the time. Because you are so easy-going, people find it easy to walk away from you…after all, they can’t see when their actions have hurt you…so they will never know. You begin to expect that people will simply come and go in your life…you begin to believe that nothing is forever….not even love. You convince yourself that this is simply the way of things…you make excuses…you rationalize.

Occasionally, you will meet somone who will try to convince you that you don’t have to hide…that you can be yourself….that you are worth loving even if you aren’t perfect. It’s not really fair to them…it’s almost like a test to see if they have the perseverance to be worthy of the part of you that you refuse to share. If they give up, you accept it and let it go. You know that it’s not right..this thing that you do…but you’ve become powerless to stop it….it has become you.

As I go about my daily work, talk with friends and interact with my kids, it dawns on me…this is NOT the person that I wanted to be. I’m tired of hiding behind the smile, but I’ve done it for so long that I don’t know how NOT to do it.  It’s become second-nature to me…deny what I want or feel in order to avoid making ripples. Everybody around me is content, but I’m still alone…and there is nobody to blame but myself.

Task for the day: Quit Hiding!!

Quit plastering that stupid smile on my face in an effort to make everyone around me happy. I’m human…I have a right to be happy, too. 

I’m still ‘nice’…but I don’t have to be an invisible doormat.

Hmm…this could be interesting.

arkmomy

Sometimes, we have questions that we simply cannot bring ourselves to ask. The questions themselves are harmless…it’s the answers that we fear.

Such is the case today.

We have an exchange student staying with us. He came to us on a temporary basis last year and decided to stay until the end of his term this summer. Because I’m a single parent, I don’t exactly fit the ‘host family’ qualifications, but the kids and I have very much enjoyed having him with us.

Today was the final get-together for host families and students before the students head back to their homes. It’s the first time that we’ve had the opportunity to meet most of the other families. The families and students are nice…but the experience left me feeling somewhat inadequate.

As part of the program, the students were asked to tell what places they had visited with their respective host families. Most of the students relayed stories of ski trips to Colorado, vacations in Florida…even a trip to the Bahamas. Our student had nothing. Trips such as those are far beyond anything that a single working mom can afford. I don’t envy those families the capability to do those things. It’s wonderful that they are able to take time off of work and travel. I wish that I could have offered the same.

But there is that one question…

Have I somehow cheated this young man?

Common sense says that I’ve done all that I could. After all, he chose to stay here even when they’d already located a ‘normal’ host family for him; however, common sense isn’t in play with this question. The fact that he seems to have enjoyed himself here has no bearing on the bottom line. Maybe he would have had more fun with a more ‘normal’ family…working dad…stay at home mom…nice house…the works.

I could comfort myself with the knowledge that i’m not single by choice, but by circumstance. I could remind myself that I’ve done the best that I could since Paul died…that we are making it okay….that our family is just different…that different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. None of this helps to eradicate the question….none of it eases my mind.

I guess there are times when the real question isn’t the obvious one….and the real answers come not from others, but from ourselves.

Perhaps the real question here isn’t ‘Have I somehow cheated this young man?’

Perhaps the real question is one that only I can answer…

Am I good enough?

arkmomy

Not so long ago, I used to write. It was my escape…a way to ease the errant thoughts that sometimes run thru my mind.

With much regret, I closed the space that I was using because some things just got too personal to write about. I needed to write, but I also needed to have some degree of privacy. I’m somewhat of an optimist…but even the most upbeat optimist has times when it’s hard to find the silver lining in her clouds.

Thanks to the loving generosity of a dear friend…I have that now. He assures me that, when I want to, I can make private posts that will allow me to vent when things get to be too much. I wonder if he knows how much of a gift he’s given me?

So here we are.

Welcome to my world. Sit back, surf around…or just poke thru the links. Feel free to drop me a note, sign the guestbook…maybe make a new friend.

 arkmomy