It’s amazing what can be hidden behind a smile.

That polite little curve of the lips that never shows the turmoil behind it as we go about our daily lives can be nothing more than a flimsy cover….something that protects the heart…hides the soul.

If you perfect the technique, nobody will ever know. If you make it a daily practice…you will be like me. People will come to expect it of you. You will become known as the one who doesn’t get offended easily…the one to whom it is easy to talk, cry, or even scream. Only a few will ever come to know the one behind your smile, for you will protect that part of you ferociously. Only a few will ever witness those times when that smile slips away long enough to disclose the human behind it…and you will be almost ashamed to have revealed that small part of your humanity….the fear, the hurt, the dreams.

Sometimes, you will question the wisdom of maintaining this part of your being…this part of you that pretends. You will wonder if, perhaps, people might like you in spite of yourself. You realize that your smile has turned you into a wallflower…somebody seen, but not seen, who simply exists…never causing ripples in the daily fabric of life. You begin to feel invisible.

If you hide behind a smile too much, you risk forgetting how NOT to do it. The habit becomes so ingrained in your personality that you find yourself alone much of the time. Because you are so easy-going, people find it easy to walk away from you…after all, they can’t see when their actions have hurt you…so they will never know. You begin to expect that people will simply come and go in your life…you begin to believe that nothing is forever….not even love. You convince yourself that this is simply the way of things…you make excuses…you rationalize.

Occasionally, you will meet somone who will try to convince you that you don’t have to hide…that you can be yourself….that you are worth loving even if you aren’t perfect. It’s not really fair to them…it’s almost like a test to see if they have the perseverance to be worthy of the part of you that you refuse to share. If they give up, you accept it and let it go. You know that it’s not right..this thing that you do…but you’ve become powerless to stop it….it has become you.

As I go about my daily work, talk with friends and interact with my kids, it dawns on me…this is NOT the person that I wanted to be. I’m tired of hiding behind the smile, but I’ve done it for so long that I don’t know how NOT to do it.  It’s become second-nature to me…deny what I want or feel in order to avoid making ripples. Everybody around me is content, but I’m still alone…and there is nobody to blame but myself.

Task for the day: Quit Hiding!!

Quit plastering that stupid smile on my face in an effort to make everyone around me happy. I’m human…I have a right to be happy, too. 

I’m still ‘nice’…but I don’t have to be an invisible doormat.

Hmm…this could be interesting.

arkmomy